I am 20 years old.
So today I logged onto Facebook for the first time ever in like a year! (or less, it’s been months) As I went through catching up with people I went to school with I start to reflect on my “life”. It’s been close to 3 years since I graduated high school and in that time period I went to university, then had to go to a jc to fix some errors I made due to some fantastic classes, not the best choices but hey it’s life… Live & learn right? Any who I seem to justify my mistakes or in a sense try to make myself feel better because I think, ” hey I’m 20, no big deal I got years ahead of me to fix my errors and progress. Jesus name I’ll be all good and set by at least 24 with my BA and some type of career.” Now from that, hey doesn’t sound to shabby I’m sure I can do it in less but just to round it out I have a good 3 and a half years to be a well rounded, educated, working women. Now in that time I mean I have some sweet melodies with friends and family, enjoy some great trips, concerts, & any other leisure! I’ve also had moments of darkness, regret, & self loathe. Personally if it wasn’t for Jesus I don’t know how I could of hurdled some of those obstacles. Back to my Facebook log on, as I scrolled and “caught up” I see that in the 3 year period, “friends” my age have: applied for college graduation, some got married, became parents, traveling the world, mission trips, interns, proud business owners, & others haven’t really changed. Few are just like me wandering through these 20s unaware. Now after seeing all of that I begin to question my WASTE OF 3 YEARS! Now not saying I want to be married or be a parent… Obviously one day but God knows not now! But I’m more, honestly envious that, traveling, finishing school, relationships, & all that could be me. Again I say this in ways of not wanting to be them but re questioning my last 3 years. What the hell have I been doing? I’m not on my mission of self discovery or changing the world. I’ve been working and going to school, messing up in school…. I haven’t done anything that I’ve imagined id be doing at this moment! Reality is, I feel like these past years have been a waste of time & it’s all my fault. Now this may sound dramatic & dumb, but honestly I know that there are other 20s out there they might feel the same well, lost and unaware or self loathing the fact that they haven’t accomplished as much either. Now I’ve had my moments with God and this past Sunday he answered something that I’ve been prayin for. After the sermon my pastor gave me a word from God that has really been my strength this week… “You stop yourself from moving forward with God because you are always looking back & reflecting on your mistakes. You look at the past & now, instead of looking ahead. God has been working with you, you have made changes & have focused your eyes & heart on back on him… Now it’s not that god isn’t leading you, you are your own obstacle not letting God do his will. You have given it to him, but you have to let it all go and release your whole life to him.”
Boom in that moment I felt like God just told me “why do you stress, I got you! All of you, pay attention to me & the rest is coming!” Obviously in a deeper level but all reality I know God was laughing & thinking bout time she truly gets it! Now obviously I need to put in the hard work, I’m not just gonna wake up one day and everything is set, unfortunately lol. But that’s where I’m at in my 20s.
Yes it’s only the beginning and this probably sounded dramatic but really sometimes we put these time frames on life & when we start to look at them we haven’t done close to anything we planned. That’s why WE PLAN, God laughs. I know I’m young & I still have all this time to still do what my heart desires, finish school, travel, fall in love, marriage…. The whole fairy tale, and I know it will all happen, but it will happen in Gods time not mine.
I still have my days when I just look in the mirror and think looser, like today but then i have to get over myself and realize I’m a winner, we are all winners, it’s all an act of FAITH & Patience!
Now I know this isn’t the best structured piece of work, it’s tumblr a place I can’t just let my thoughts out. Personally I don’t even think anyone will read this, I find it therapeutic. But if you are reason this and you are like me or facing the I’m 20 what the hell am I doing with my life moment, you aren’t alone. I think it’s okay to feel like this. It’s good to question life. Though we need to remember the bigger picture, the bigger plan, God’s plan. Let’s love him, trust him, let him be the center of everything & let it be the best decision we could ever made! Also, we need to stop being lazy & get things done! God isn’t just gonna bless us, the fact that we breathe is enough. So yes I believe that we can do and be whatever we want in life, if we work hard & have faith.
I am 20 and still unaware of my plan, but what I do know is God has the master plan.
P.s. I hope I can read this when I’m 30 and laugh because I have accomplished everything with God’s help. No time frame just Faith lol.